


Roomie for Ransom

by DellaBella



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Enemies, Hostage Situations, M/M, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 05:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10429884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DellaBella/pseuds/DellaBella
Summary: Bruce Wayne decides (with the help of his newly found family) to host a fundraiser for the Gotham Police Department at his Manor, and the Joker decides to crash the party. Hijinks, awkward conversations, and an attempt to maintain Bruce's Secret identity ensue.





	

Batman woke up sometime around 4 p.m. like usual. He had been out late fighting Mr. Freeze who had tried to steal some ancient arctic artifacts from the Gotham Museum. The sun had already risen by the time he and Robin made it home. He had let his son stay home from school to sleep, though it was getting harder and harder to come up with excuses to fool the principal.

He put on his favorite silk robe and headed downstairs to have a late breakfast of pancakes and bacon when he was startled by strange people in his house. All sorts of people. Decorators and caterers and musicians. Several of them gave him strange looks, probably because the robe he was wearing wasn’t covering much. At least he had remembered to take off his cowl.

“ALFRED!” he bellowed. “Alfred, what is happening in my house?!”

Moments later his faithful butler and surrogate father figure was at his side.

“Certainly you haven’t forgotten about the fundraiser tonight?” Alfred raised his eyebrow.

“Uhhhh…”

“For the Gotham City Police Department?”

“Uhhhh…”

“You promised Barbara you would host it here at Wayne Manor.”

“Yeah only so she’d stop nagging me about it, ugh.”

The Gotham Police Department hosted these fundraisers to replace the equipment and facilities destroyed by the Rogue’s Gallery- which meant they hosted at least one a month. In a good month.

Since Bruce Wayne, or rather his alter-ego Batman, also typically had a hand in the destruction of police equipment, Barbara Gordon had insisted that he play host to one of the galas at his manor to make amends.

He had whined about it. Pretty much threw a tantrum. He had _just_ finished rebuilding his manor after the whole Phantom Zone incident, and the last thing he needed was a bunch of strangers tromping around his place and messing up his careful organization. The last time he had hosted a party he found all of the supplements in his medicine cabinet had been rifled through, and he needed to keep up a very strict regimen to maintain his crime-fighting physique! What if he had accidentally taken too many multivitamins or not enough glucosamine?

He had nearly talked her out of it when Dick bounced into the room and overheard the proposal. The boy immediately lit up at the idea of having a giant fancy party at _his_ house. Just the idea that he finally had a house that was _his_ house was exciting enough, and the added thrill of fancy food, and music, and important guests made him positively giddy.

As much as hated to admit it, sometimes he simply couldn’t resist his adopted son/sidekick. He knew Batman should be stronger, shouldn’t give in so easily, but lately he had become somewhat of a pushover, at least in his own home.

So here he was tonight, reviewing the catering plans and conferring with Alfred on the evening’s schedule and guest list.

“Do we _really_ have to have the Wellingtons here? They’re so _weird_ , and Mr. Wellington always wants to tell me about his dryer lint collection.”

“They are one of GCPD’s biggest donors, Master Wayne,” Alfred replied. “And since the invitations were sent out two weeks ago, it’s too late to not invite them now.”

Bruce whined. “Why didn’t you ask me before you sent the invitations?”

“I did ask for your input, Sir, but you said it was leg day, and you never skip leg day.”

“Darn right,” he replied, puffing out his chest vainly. “Ah well, I’ll just avoid them.”

Dick Grayson skipped into the large foyer, dressed in a new gold tuxedo that Bruce had custom tailored for him. “How do I look, Padre?”

“Like the son of Bruce Wayne.”

The boy beamed proudly. “This is so exciting! Did you see the buffet? There’s fruit and cheese and cake and shrimp and an ice sculpture and a chocolate fountain and…” He kept rambling on as his adoptive father nodded silently. He could tell the years of living in the orphanage had a lasting effect on the young boy. He got so excited over food, something Bruce couldn’t fathom since he had grown up in the lap of luxury, eating lobster thermidor every week.

“Yeah, yeah, food is great. Make sure to eat plenty of protein, you’ll never get a 9-pack by stuffing yourself full of sweets.”

“Yes sir!” he exclaimed, running off to see the rest of the set-up.

“I’m proud of you, Sir, that was almost as if you were giving parental advice there,” Alfred said drolly as he took one last glance at the evening’s schedule.

“What do you mean, almost? It was solid advice! What kind of father doesn’t want to make sure that his son grows up to be ripped?”

“Well I suppose that’s an acceptable dream to have for one’s children, but there are also other things to teach him like responsibility and manners-”

“Pfft manners!” Bruce interrupted with a disdainful snort. “He’s gonna be rich and ripped, what’s he need manners for?”

Alfred gave him a withering look and was about to reply when there was a knock at the front door. The butler opened the door to reveal Police Commissioner Barbara Gordon standing on the front step, dressed in an elegant purple evening gown, the same color as her Batgirl costume.

Bruce stared for a moment, experiencing the same feeling that always seemed to come over him when he caught a glimpse of his platonic coworker who happened to be a girl. “B-barbara…” he stuttered. “You, uh, look nice.”

She laughed as she stepped into the grand foyer, seeing that he was still in his robe. “You look like you just woke up.”

“Yeah, it’s barely after 4,” he replied in a rather irritable tone.

The young Police Commissioner shook her head. “So are you ready to raise some money? We have a lot of armored cars to replace after Mr. Freeze decided to, you know, freeze them.”

“Hmm, yes, I remember that.”

“It was last night!”

“Which is why I remember it, DUH.” Bruce rolled his eyes. Babs could be so annoying sometimes.

“Yes, well, you should probably get into your tuxedo, because the patrons will be arriving soon.”

He glanced down at his robe and muttered something about hating to get dressed before sundown. He trudged upstairs and put on his favorite tux, pouting a little when he realized that he didn’t have time for a tuxedo dress up party.

A few moments later the guests began to arrive. Bruce Wayne greeted them at the door, his newly adopted son at his side. He was actually surprised at the number of women who fawned over the boy, which led to fawning over him as well, telling him what a caring, devoted father he was. If he had known that having a kid would make it so much easier to get the ladies he’d have gone to the orphanage and picked one out years ago. Oh well, live and learn.

After nearly an hour of greeting guests, it seemed that everyone had arrived and Bruce made his way out to the gardens, eager for a drink and a moment of not kissing up to rich potential donors. He got a glass of chardonnay from the bar, his eyes scanning over the crowd as he looked for someone interesting to talk to. It was mostly a sea of old men in suits and old ladies in fur. _Boring._

He took a sip of his wine when he spotted someone along the edge of the gardens. The green hair, the purple suit, the white face… But it couldn’t be. Surely he would be smart enough not to show up here of all places!

His eyes narrowed and he briefly considered heading for the Bat Cave to get into his costume but before he could make a run for it the Joker made eye contact and sauntered over his way.

“ _Bruuuuuce…_ ” He drawled lazily, a silly grin on his face. “Quite the shindig you’ve got here.” He plucked a canapé off a nearby table and popped it into his mouth.

“What are you doing here, Joker? You’re not on the guest list.”

“Are you sure about that? Did you check the list?”

“Well no, not personally. I mean, it was leg day and all…” Bruce muttered.

The Joker rolled his eyes. “So where’s Batman? He’s your roomie, isn’t he?”

“My what?”

“Oh come on, we all know his secret hideout is under your manor.”

“No it’s not.”

“Seriously, Bruce, I was here. I saw it with my own two eyes!”

“No you didn’t.”

Joker groaned, looking homicidally annoyed. “Why on earth does he live with you?”

“Because I’m awesome, obviously.”

“Debatable.”

Bruce glared at his greatest enemy, well Batman’s greatest enemy, technically speaking. This green haired menace had no idea what made someone awesome, clearly, or he would’ve sensed his super awesomeness even without the Batman costume. “I totally _am_ awesome or else the most awesome superhero ever wouldn’t, um, live with me. DUH.”

“Right…” Joker looked unconvinced as he helped himself to another hors d'oeuvre. “So you two are really good friends then?”

“Obviously. We’re like, total BFF’s. Bruce and Batman. Hanging out like bros, all the time.”

“Oh goody. Then he’ll definitely come to your rescue.”

“Oh he’ll totally…” He paused, as something dawned on him. “Wait…” He should’ve caught on sooner, but he realized it was too late when a plume of smoke hit him in the face. He stared at the Joker in shock, seeing that the other man had pressed a secret button hidden in his lapel. A moment later he was on the ground, the scenery spinning around him.

“I can’t believe you fell for the old sleeping gas hidden in the boutonniere trick!” The Joker exclaimed giddily. “You’re clearly not Batman, _he_ would have never let me get away with that!”

“Shut… up…” Bruce muttered, as the world around him grew black.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo.... I've been a Batman/Joker fan since way back when and I don't really believe I watched a Lego movie and it made me have all the feels, but yes it did. This is my first story in the fandom, I'm trying to stay true to the characters. I don't anticipate this story to become anything graphic for Batman/Joker, more or less it'll be barely-hidden-but-not-really feelings. I enjoy the unresolved tension between the two.


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